Healthy Hurts

I want to be emotionally healthy. There are a variety of reasons that I have this particular goal. I have just survived a painful divorce that, though desperately needed, still hurts like hell. I still love my ex with an unconditional love even though I have no desire to put myself in a position where I have to put up with the unending emotional instability that is his crap. I want to heal so that if and when some amazing man out there realizes that I am, in fact, an amazing woman the next time will be different. I want to create a peaceful, stable home environment for my precious little boy, the one positive product of my disastrous marriage. Yes, there are multiple reasons to pursue a newfound emotionally healthy state.



But by God, healthy HURTS.

Actually, it's not so much the destination of healthy that is so painful. That actually seems like an admirable if not attainable goal. Rather, it's the road there that I'm having a hard time navigating.

You see, I fell in love with this guy. He had flaws that were obvious to the rest of the world. But somewhere along the way I stopped seeing them. I only saw that he made me laugh, and that my Spirit felt at home entertwined with his. I married him, and 3 years, 4 dogs, 2 houses, and one very spirited child later, I divorced him. He really didn't give me a choice. But when the judge dropped his gavel on our marriage, he forgot to give me the bits of my heart back. And now suddenly, the ex, who had completely checked out of our marriage (mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually) is able to open up to me in ways that he never did before. There is no pressure for him to make me happy, and no responsibility on him to "make things work." So suddenly I am the most attractive woman in the world to him. And I love it. I wish I hated it. I wish I hated him for treating me like no woman should ever be treated. But I don't. I love him through his sickness and addictions, and I see the heart within. I know that he is a good person with a lot of problems that are just too painful for him to deal with. And I have to admit, that I've enjoyed getting the good parts of him lately withouth getting all of his crap.

I know this isn't real. I know that nothing has changed, and I know that all I am doing is prolonging the slow death of our relationship. I know I need to let go. And for the first time in my life, I know I deserve better.

I want to close this door. But just typing that sentence made me cry. I want to pick up the pieces and move on to a place of serenity and joy. I really do want it.

Dear Lord, I want to be healthy. But today, healthy hurts.